The Thing About Being a Woman in Nigeria.

1. Your decency and morality may be rated based on the size of your booty.

So this my friend with the big behind gets bullied by men and slut-shamed if she stays adamant.

And sometimes she feels pressured to put on a show where she should just tell them off. I’m like; girl, really? I may not have a big ass but I can’t stand rubbish unless having one requires you to take rubbish? 

It should be noted that finding true love and genuine relationships with the opposite sex is almost impossible. She’s always sexualized. 

To cap it all, whatever she owns and acquires by herself is simply tagged “given by men”. Oh, the trouble with regular clothes looking indecent on her? So here comes Olosho! 

In a nutshell, having a big booty in Nigeria means you’re a prostitute and up for sale and every man feels entitled to your body, and most of your wins are attributed to your ass I’m here wondering when booty started earning income.

Lest I forget, the ones with the small behind like me, are being tagged desperate, safe, or decent. You’d be shocked to feel that some guy will feel you should be grateful he even came for you because “you don’t even have nyash sef”. 

Yeah, my boyfriend even assumed I didn’t have many suitors like his ex because “you don’t have plenty of the features as she did, that called men to her and made her a hot cake”. I should feel awful right? But no. Why? Because I’m a woman living in Nigeria.

2. As a single Lady, You’re the predator before a married woman where her husband is concerned even if you’re the prey.

Association of Nigerian married women will always advise the woman to send their maids, husband’s female secretary, or even her relative away, “so that she won’t displace her and come and take over her home”.

And in most cases even if their husbands obviously preyed on the helpless women because they are at his mercy, the association of Nigerian married ladies won’t be having it, “she seduced their husbands.”

Nigerian men are innocent babies before their wives even when the truth stares glaring at them. They’d rather kill than lose the honorary position of a wife.

Let’s not even start with the married women who cut off their single friends because they don’t want to be removed from their husband’s houses by some unmarried women.

Oh yes! Being single is directly proportional to being irresponsible! You don’t have a choice, find a husband or you’re not woman enough!

3. You may tip a doorman on your way out of a restaurant with Hubby but he will channel his thanks to your husband.

Don’t get too mad, just allow your husband to shine but if he has sense, he will insist the idiot acknowledges you or forfeit the money. But most times, a Nigerian man’s ego is definitely bigger than his loyalty to his wife, after all, you’re just a woman, an honorary child; you’re just a child with some bigger privileges, stay low.

4. Every Rich Single Lady is a Prostitute.

Of course, there are no two ways about it, you be ashawo. Money is supposed to go to the bank accounts of only married women.

Oh no, wait, more like marriage is a poverty eradicating scheme and so having a husband automatically means the transfer of wealth, I mean even if it’s glaring that the man has nothing and you’re the captain and breadwinner. 

You’ll be pardoned for having money as a married woman as long as “you still allow the man to be the head” and “you don’t air his dirty linen by letting anyone know that you’re the breadwinner of the home”.

Yes, having money is very okay when you have to take the backseat and give all the glory to the deadbeat man for all your stress or else you’re a bad woman and “should be stopped before you turn your man to a vegetable”.

 If you wanted to be a “protein man”, you should have made your own money, enough. But hey, don’t say that to Nigerian inlaws. They’ll ask their son to “throw you out of his house and send you back to your father’s house”. Even if the house is obviously more of your money than his.

After all, what’s more humiliating than a divorce? You couldn’t keep a simple home, what a shameless failure you are!

Single ladies, you’ll forever be tagged as a “sugar daddy” or “sponsor” even when your source of income stares directly at them.

In case you didn’t know, wealth creation is a gender thing and is limited to only the gender with penises.

I’ve had a man tell me that I’m losing out, have a mediocre mentality, and won’t ever get rich. This is because I said no to “being sponsored in exchange for sex”. He said it repeatedly and if he talks to me today, would still mock me for “not having sense and choosing to die in mediocrity”.

Men are the only ones that can make you wealthy!

5. Prostitutes feel they are more important and valuable than the hardworking girl next door.

Kanyamta sellers are cashing out and loyal clients are not ashamed to be identified with them.

You’d think a prostitute should stand by the roadside but sorry, not anymore.

That your classmate calling your rich uncle sir and posing for a photo like a meek lamb at his office where she went for “a courtesy visit”, is traveling to the Maldives fully sponsored by your uncle. I mean that uncle that told you to exercise a little patience that he has some projects he’s handling for now, when you asked for a little 10k. 

Soon your friend owns a Benz without any tangible Job to show for and starts to act like you’re not in her class anymore even when you are the smarter one, making impacts in society.

You’re suddenly too small for her and you’re wondering, wait, what? How? What even makes you more important? Oh yes she sells Lingeries on IG and in the space of 3 months, she can afford that lifestyle, don’t stress your mind wondering.

You’re totally on your own because even if you run an NGO and activism that seeks a better life and society for others, your friend is garnering more loyal followers on her social media handles. Yeah, that’s the power of a large lifestyle and posing in fancy vacation destinations. 

Run am if e easy nau. You no reach!

6. You will be body shamed for simply being created you.

Some Twitter and Facebook yeyebrities feel they can only stay relevant when shaming the woman’s body. They’ve defined what an ideal body should look like and if you don’t have one, you should be ashamed.

This definition is coming from the people who can’t even make proper eba for their soups, and can’t create anything, but the trash they call contents. 

Nigerian comedians will lose their source of income and start begging on the streets if they’re asked to create content that doesn’t body shame the woman.

7. Women supporting Women and Female to Female friendship is just a sham, projected on social media as being ideal but low-key toxic in real life.

 Know this because I left friendships that hyped me so much on social media while silently competing with me. How did I know? Energies don’t lie. Words, even though sprinkled with laughter, speak volumes if you pay attention.

8. Career women are subject to discrimination and sexual harassment but you are required to bring something to the table at home, so figure out the way.

You may never get some positions because you’re a woman. Even when you’re very qualified for it. Their excuse? You’re a woman and women can’t make logical decisions.

You may be asked to exchange sex for a position that you rightly merit. Or you stay stuck or even fired.

It’s a norm. Nobody feels shocked when you talk about it. If you decline, you may be accused of not being smart or ambitious enough because “What’s there? Is it not the sex you’re giving to your boyfriend for free?” You are foolish.

But then, getting a higher position in the office without sleeping your way up will also have you being attacked and accused “for sleeping your way to the top”.

I’m sorry you just can’t win in Nigeria as a woman. Sad but this is the reality.

9. If you refuse to answer the people catcalling you on the street or junction, you’re an ashawo. 

Refusing to get picked on or picked up by random men makes you an ashawo. You didn’t know? You’re being uptight because you’re a prostitute. 

And you have to be extra conscious because they might be setting up a gang to sexually assault you.

Don’t ask me how this is so. It’s just the normal thing at your street’s junction, deal with that.