If Anyone Had Told Me Early Enough That I Was Dealing With A Narcissist There

NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a thing!

It is a personality disorder. A mental condition. It exists and lives as a narcissist in our different lives.

Ideally, I believe every human has one, two or more traits that are narcissistic but really being diagnosed with this disorder involves many of these toxic traits in one.

Sadly, a lot of us are not aware of self or the next person and would rather live in denial. It’s always about the next person and how wrong they are, and right we are.

Study has shown that a great number of men have this disorder, more than the other gender. Talmbout all the “men have ego and pride. All a man wants is respect”.

I can’t ignore the fact that these toxic thought patterns and traditions in the name of wisdom, passed down from generations to generations especially in Africa (not like I’ve gone to any other continent) only fuels backwardness and disorders in people.

We keep making excuses especially for the male genders, where toxic traits are involved. 

But then we keep hearing; “A lot of women get away with so many things”. No, Put it like this: “A lot of, men get away with toxic traits”.

How did I know that I was dealing with one?

He made me question my mind, eyes and eventually self.

Honestly I felt myself going crazy, my heartbeats had a different rhythm to its beats and I was losing weight! Yet I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it was me, even when really I tried to do all things right by him.

“Are you good? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” This is a simple question that I would feel so glad if asked but I’m to get a snap back like “Can’t you just stop being nosy and let me be!? What would you do if not to just know?” Now even caring was a taboo.

He’d do a thing, get caught but finds a way to turn this on you. If manipulation was a person. That’s a narcissist.

“I saw Sally text you to return her earrings she forgot in your bedroom. She’s not your family and what was she doing in there?” And a narcissist will get mad at you for picking up his phone in the first place rather than face the issue.

And oh, he won’t forget to remind you that maybe, just maybe if you were not going about snooping, you wouldn’t know he was cheating. And why the heck are you even cheating for me to even have to find out!?

You should get mad but no your mind picks on the question; “was I really snooping and sniffing? Was I wrong to touch his phone? Are partners not supposed to have access to each other’s phones?” That way, you forget he actually broke a promise and commitment to you and now you’re the guilty and convicted!

Then he’d mess up and rather give you “if you were to be like this” line and sermon. Needless to say that you being like that will only be met with more demands to be another way and more until you’ve been made into a robot for his pleasure.

Of course confiding becomes an issue because he goes “you’re always complaining too much. You complain and worry about everything” and “you’re too emotional” and then a wave of your issues.

And so you begin to feel maybe that’s not how to care? Maybe that isn’t how to feel about what happened the other time? Maybe I shouldn’t always cry? Maybe I should tone it down? I should talk less? Talk more? Maybe…?

Yeah you begin to question, doubt and eventually lose self with and to a narcissist.

It can get so bad that you may lose your mind or job or life totally because of an association with a narcissist.

Narcissists are not only Vibe killers but are dream killers!

These things often come as nothing initially and that’s the point we make excuses for them, before we move to the stage where we feel there’s something but we will first ask ourselves what we’re doing or not doing. It becomes about us questioning our person and not them and again we make excuses for the narcissist and finally we lose it because we begin to believe everything of themselves that the narcissist has mirrored to us, to be who we are.

All these happen because narcissists are not necessarily bad horrible creatures in human forms. No, narcissists are kind and very thoughtful too. They can be really vulnerable and emotional (manipulative is more like it) and so we interpret or rather misinterpret their niceness or acting to really mean that the issue should really be us.

So do not expect him to necessarily be a physical abuser or outright unfeeling, uncaring, hardened person. Narcissists are the best humans and that’s why they eat you inside out before you notice what they’ve really done.